I guess this last weekend was harder on me than I thought it would be. It being thanksgiving and me being alone. My family all together, sharing that special moment haha for what its worth. All of them sitting around and pretending to get along and pretending that its all okay, minus me. Even my ex-step dad (whom my sister has taken to calling dad for some obscure and demented reason that I think is only an attempt to get a reaction out of the rest of us) was there. I suppose I could have gone. I could have talked to my boss about altering my work schedule so I could be there at six instead of five, it was possible, it could have been done. All it would have taken was switching with Marc, whom probably would have done it if I'd asked him. But I didn't. So I suppose there is no one to blame but myself for ending up feeling the way I do. However with everything that's happened in the past number of years, Ive no interest in pretend anymore. I've no interest in playing nice with people I can't stand, not when I can so easily avoid it all. So instead I spent the weekend alone. My ex bf/roommate had gone home for the holiday. I didn't know until Wednesday night that he was leaving. Kind of surprised me since I had thought he was staying, and had thought we would make ourselves a dinner on the Friday or Saturday night. Figured there was a good chance that my shift was going to get cancelled on Saturday, and I was off Friday (well on call but I wasn't needed) so I had thought we would spend the weekend just sort of hanging out. Of course he went home though, why wouldn't he. No longer has anything to keep him specifically tied here. No work, no placement. So why the heck not? Naturally his family wanted him there. So either way I ended up alone. And it hit me hard.
My brother, whom should not be included in these family functions, was the reason that I did not wish to attend. Him and his anti-personality wife were to be present. Despite all that he had done, he was invited. Perhaps I should just let it all go and let bygones be bygones and suck it up, but who the hell says I have to? no one likes her, its not like Im the only one. And as for him, well he can rot in the bowels of hell for all I care. And yet.. he was there, he was included, and I was alone. So of course it bothers me. So I spent the holiday weekend, thankful for peace and quiet.. and going stark raving mad all the while. I worked, and I sat. I attempted to make some minor plans, most of which fell through. Some of which never got responded to, a few responded to rather rudely. In the end what was the difference. To me it would be just another weekend. Until of course the customers started actually making sad faces, and telling me how bad they felt that I had to work while they were all enjoying the time together. So charming that they cared. Didn't see any of them offering a plate.
Then came the final night of my torturous weekend. Having been up to six am each night previous it was no surprise that I was to be up late again, however I spoke with James about him coming home, and I was happy to hear that he had missed me. In the end I think it was more than he missed being at home. Who can blame him, he finds his time at home dull and boring. Suppose I would to if I was him, can't seem to get his friends to ever meet up with him when he's home. So we had a nice little chat, and he said he missed being here, missed the dog, yadda yadda... so I made sure to be up early enough to tidy the apartment back up and do the dishes, couldn't have him coming home and getting mad YET again that I was not doing dishes. I hate dishes, they're awful. I'd rather buy new dishes, of course that's not practical though so I cleaned them. Anyway he got home and we watched a movie then it was back to work for me. We had talked about my cutting his hair but didn't get the time to... then I tried to call on my break, and alas, he was not answering he was out lol on a meet and greet/date with a guy. Tragedy strikes for me lol. Of course Im not mad at him for going, no he deserves to go, and he should go. But naturally it got to me. I spent a weekend alone at home, and wanted to spend some time with people again, and the minute that he's home, hes out with someone else. A part of me got jealous, and a part of me got sad. Of course the jealous makes sense right? he's my ex bf, I love him, he was supposed to be my forever. I know I am the one who ended it so everyone tells me I dont have any right to get jealous or upset about it but I do, and I can, and I am. Then I got sad, because I just felt another little part of me slip away. Felt another little part of me get lonely. Im happy for him, think that its great he met someone he can spend some time with, James has always had trouble making friends, so Im glad that he was able to meet someone. He seems to like the guy, so good for him. Of course though it hurt to come home from work.. at 12:30... and find him still not home.. then it hurt to come home from walking the dog.. to find him there.. and just over the top excited. Not that he actually SAID anything to me about it.. but he just kept going and going... he was charged, he was on fire, he was so happy. The kind of happy that you can only get when you've started that initial fire. The kind of happy you get when you've just really had a great night... and Im glad he did... but it only dampened my already dark mood. Just made me feel more secluded. More alone in this apartment. I asked a little, but didn't want to pry or feel like I was interrogating him. So I mostly stuck to "did you have a good time" kind of questions... which he did. But naturally it was hard, I know this is not an easy situation for either of us, but its harder than I would have thought it was going to be. Harder than I wanted it to be.
There are many that pressure me to try and fix things with James. There are many that want to see us back together. And yeah there are parts of me that want to be back together with him, but I guess I just need to be sure Im with him for the right reasons I need to be sure for the both of us, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me for me to get back together with him and not really be with him for him. Plus, he deserves more than I have given him, and I deserve more than he has given me. Anyway Im just upset and have had the weekend from hell, and guess I just needed to put it out there, so I could get it all out of my head, maybe not it will stop bouncing around in there and I can get on with my day.
